Vulnerable.

I can't help my bad thoughts whenever they come. When they did, they end up becoming these large pictures and it'll be all I'm seeing that day. Thats my bad day, where every ounce of negativity bred into a scary insanity that force me into dark moods. Else, I call it psychotic drama episode when I act upon those temporary feelings.

Yesterday, I went crazy at ßeau. That was embarassing but such a flaterring moment.

ßeau had this habit to sleep as if he died. We have a routine every night where we would talk on the phone about how our day went. Yesterday, ßeau missed it. I called him 5 times and he didn't answer. Although a tiny nudge told me he was asleep (which he really did), I, being in my psychotic episode went batshit on him.

And ßeau, being the sweetheart that he is managed to calm me and talked me out of my dramatic self.

I have some serious trust issues, I really do. When you had experience the amount of betrayal as I did, you'll feel the same. So when ßeau caused anything that made me feel suspicious, I immidiately pull my goodbye speech (haha). ßeau went on and told me his ever favourite line ;

"Like hell I'd go with someone else"

ßeau went on to tell me why he would never (amen) cheat. He told me he stayed for me when I was at my meanest demour and when I told him to gtfo but he didnt. If he can survived that, he would stay at almost anything. I guess it's true the quote from one of my favourite movies;

"Demikianlah halnya perempuan. Ia ingat kejahatan orang terhadapanya walau seberapa kecil, namun lupa kejahatannya sedang seberapa besar pun" _ Tenggelamnya Kapal Van Der Wijck.

Could never tell ßeau how sorry I am for the pain I caused him before. But its good to hear him reassure me that he'll stay. And that's all I need to remember next time I went on my psycho mood.