Raised.

Peace be upon you.

These past few days, my past seem to hover around my conscious mind. Old memories keep knocking out of the blue. Without any explanation, it sits in front of my eyes, with a force I can't resist. But somehow I managed to shoo it away. I really don't need to remember things which make me prays every single night I'd be able to forget about it.

Few weeks back before collage was over, I had a feeling someone is offended by me. She was one of my close friend in college. We clicked each other well but I just won't let the connections flow. I don't like attachment nor I seek one. Attachment hurts, often giving chance for pain to enter. I am not going to do that to myself. I sent her a text saying sorry only to have it ignore. I'm sorry, I cannot find bits of my heart to spare a room for someone without the certainty of staying.

But then I always wonder to myself, why do I have only a small circle of friends. My reasons to not letting anyone closer than they should've been, often lose it's legitimacy yet I always find ways for myself to uphold it, to believe in it. My pain in  the past has make become a rudiment for me, a guard, a shield, whatever you call it. One thing I know for sure, I am not letting anyone who I barely knew, in.

Eh, it's not that I'm a depressed, listening to metal song, sits in the woods alone (though I don't mind the idea), I still find happiness in my loneliest days, I still find a flower in my darkest hour.

It gets bad, but it gets better. Eventually.